Resolving to Do Better

January 3, 2012

by Kim Childs, CPPC

I’ve heard that nearly 90 percent of New Year’s resolutions are broken by February, and my acupuncturist says that spring is actually a more fruitful time to make significant life changes. But the start of a new year offers itself up like a landscape of fresh snow, unmarked by footprints and tire tracks, and begs the question: Can we make better use of the next 365 days?

For several years I’ve participated in Burning Bowl ceremonies on New Year’s Eve. They involve writing a list of things we want to shed – from resentments, to self-destructive habits, to those extra ten pounds – and burning them. We’re supposed to accept and even thank those things before we place them in the fire (because what we resist persists), and immediately create a list of positive intentions for the New Year (because nature abhors a vacuum).

Topping my burn list this year was a “my way or the highway” attitude that can impair my ability to see things from another’s perspective and tie me in knots when people don’t do what I want them to do. It’s related to being a control freak, I’m afraid to admit, and it can poison all kinds of relationships, including the one I have with myself. I know where it comes from and I can see how it once served me in a twisted way, but it’s really gotta go now.  In its place I seek to practice more acceptance, curiosity, compassion, and patience…and to begin all over again when I slip.

I asked friends and family members to share their own lists of things to burn in the fire of transformation and I heard much about shedding fears, worries, negative thinking and procrastination. A former student says, “I wish to shed my habit of living under the cloud of a never-ending to do list,” while another wants to let go of “the tendency to compare myself to others and beat myself up.”  I, too, want to use my precious time more wisely in 2012 and halt the downward spiral of “compare/despair” thinking.

“I want to allow everyone the freedom and sovereignty to be who they are, and where they are, in their journey and level of self-awareness,” one student writes, and a friend of mine chimes in with wanting to release, “the need to enforce my ideas on certain family members…I seek to have compassion for the mother of my grandchildren and patience with my grandchildren when they display ‘inappropriate behavior.’”

Trying to see our own part in the dramas around us is an important step towards ending them.

On September 11, 2001, I was visiting the island of St. John when the twin towers crumbled. As evening fell I walked down to the beach to escape the television screens. Waves lapped the shore and the sun set amid pink-orange clouds, oblivious to the human suffering in lower Manhattan, the Pentagon, and Pennsylvania. I thought about the terrorists and asked myself where I similarly harbored hatred for another in my heart. The answer came quickly, and I was humbled. I certainly couldn’t relate to those acts of terror, but I could examine my own prejudices and resentments in response, and aim to do something about them.

The next day I saw an email that was circulating among those trying to make sense of the attacks. It referenced a Sufi teaching that says, “Past the seeker as he prayed came the crippled and the beggar and the beaten. And seeing them, he cried, ‘Great God, how is it that a loving creator can see such things and yet do nothing about them?’ God said, ‘I did do something. I made you.’”

Such is the central message of the moving documentary film I Am. I watched it the other night with friends and we discussed its powerful teachings about the emptiness of materialism, the interconnectedness of all life, our inborn instinct for cooperation and empathy, and our ability to be the change we seek in a world full of so much unnecessary suffering.

And so while I do want to shed a few pounds, amp up the exercise, and experience more ease and fun this year, I also want to be part of the solution. I can do this by treating others as I want to be treated, appreciating and sharing my blessings, and forgiving myself and others for our mistakes and ignorance.  As Maya Angelou says, “When you know better you do better.”

Doing better this year is one resolution I believe I can keep.

Kim Childs, CPPC, is a Certified Life and Career Coach specializing in Positive Psychology, Creativity, and Midlife Transitions. Click here to learn more and schedule an initial consultation.


  • Jane A

    I decided not to be resolute this year– instead to wish…and I love your wishes, Kim. Thank you for including me on your journey. As I watch my mother age (98 last November) my wish for this year is to live from a sense of urgency and I feel supported in that wish by all that you mention. Here’s to our combined wishes, aspirations, and resolutions for this year and to our knowing that all is possible!

  • This Little Lark

    I can not wait to watch “I AM”… it provides such a powerful message! Thank you for sharing your thoughts 🙂 Visit my blog (link above) and my facebook page “”! Blessings 🙂

  • Tish

    Thank you Kim for another wonderful blog.

  • Maisie

    Fantastic blog Kim! Thank you for sharing….truly inspirational…warm regards ;o)

  • Angelena Craig

    Kim I so admire your honesty in sharing your self-examination process and your commitment to do better. I too struggle with some of the same “rough edges”. We are aligned, once again, in our thinking….and our work.

    For my New Year’s class I read my students this quote from Paramahansa Yogananda
    “The yearning for our lost perfection, the urge to do and be that which is the noblest and the most beautiful is the creative impulse of every high achievement. We strive for perfection because we long to be restored to our Oneness with God.

    And I too am writing…for the local Newburport paper, a monthly column called Boomer Talk.
    Hope you will check it out

  • Julia Flynn

    Inspiring. I have yet to reflect on the past to improve my future or just be clearer about who I am but this blog is causing me to look forward to the process.

  • Happy Childs

    Nice Blog – the Burning Bowl Ceremony sounds great, but I really loved our resolution sharing on our “girls night out” with Maddy & Emma. thanks for sharing.

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