Monthly Archives: June 2016

Declare Your Independence

by Kim Childs, CPPC

As Americans prepare to celebrate Independence Day weekend with barbecues, fireworks, games 62839-Freedomand gatherings, I invite you to consider where in your life you desire more freedom.

Are you tied to commitments and obligations that no longer truly serve you? Are you striving for the elusive goal of perfection anywhere in your life and trying to maintain impossible standards? Do you keep yourself constantly plugged into other people’s messages, memes, needs and agendas?

One clue is to look for where thoughts of, “I should…” are lurking behind actions and choices that drain you or stress you out.

In other words, if you are “should-ing” all over yourself, it might be time to clean up that mess. (Insert winking emoticon if offended by my vulgarity…)

As I’ve said here before, our time and energy are our most precious resources. In fact, after basic financial needs are met, feeling rich in time is a better predictor of happiness than having a supersized bank balance. Alas, few of us give ourselves time to even think about what we’d do with more free time and energy, let alone cultivate it.

My fellow Americans, 240 years ago the founders of this great nation declared their independence from the tyranny of British rule. Where and how can you reclaim your own sovereignty from the tyranny of your “to do” list, the endless demands of omnipresent media, and any self-imposed, unrealistic expectations? Some ideas include:

–Pause and breathe. Even a few seconds will help, according to Abby Seixas, a psychotherapist and author of Finding the Deep River Within: A Woman’s Guide to Recovering Balance and Meaning in Everyday Life. Seixas says that we desperately need to reclaim our own depth and sense of what matters most in these noisy, distracted times. Her book offers wonderful tools for this process, and the first and simplest is to “remember to pause and stop the busyness and the doing, doing, doing to gather ourselves to ourselves.”

–Decline some invitations. Even fun can be stressful if our calendar is overfull. Say no sometimes, which really means saying yes to yourself, and don’t succumb to FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) syndrome, as there’s no pill for that…yet.

–Let good enough be your new perfect. Now – in your home, appearance, achievements, work, and self.

–Consume less media. Eleven years ago I interviewed women’s health pioneer Dr. Christiane Northrup, who told me that Americans ingest more information in a day than our ancestors took in over a year. “We were not designed to handle the hand-picked, specifically-orchestrated-to-background-music bad news of the entire planet each and every day in our living rooms or bedrooms,” said Northrup. In other words, our biology hasn’t caught up to our technology. Be more discerning, and give yourself permission to unplug more often. I promise you won’t miss much.

–Raise your hand less often. Put yourself atop the list of people you want to help. After that person and other immediate loved ones are taken care of, see which causes and committees you genuinely want to assist. Allow others the chance to step up and serve, too.

–Face the “must dos” with appreciation. When staring down dreaded tasks, try saying “I get to” instead of “I have to” to inspire a better attitude. In other words, consider the privileges that lie behind doing laundry and taking out the garbage, namely, that you have abundant clothes and a trash collection service or station when many on the planet do not. If and when your task list is overwhelming, learn to:

–Delegate. ‘Nuff said.

So what’s your declaration of independence this July 4th weekend? Mine right now is:

“I hereby declare that I will not let undone work and unanswered emails keep me from meeting friends for cocktails on the eve of a holiday weekend.”

Go ahead:

“I hereby declare that I will not ____.”

Kim Childs is a Certified Life and Career Coach specializing in Positive Psychology, creativity and sacred living. Click here to learn more and schedule a free initial consultation in person or via phone or Skype.

Coaching, Demystified

by Kim Childs, CPPC

Athletic coaching may be as old as the Olympics, but life and career coaching is barely 30 years old as a proper profession. It began in the late 80s with American financial planner Thomas Leonard, who realized that many of his clients wanted and needed more than investment tips to meet their life goals.

The techniques Leonard developed to help his clients complemented, but differed from, those practiced by therapists, mentors and consultants, and this is still largely true for life and career coaching. Leonard went on to create Coach University in the early 90s and train others in his methods, thus establishing a career option that flourishes today.

Fundamentally, life and career coaching is a supportive relationship between the coach and “coachee,” in which the coach does not give advice but helps the client to call forth and cultivate his or her own wisdom, strengths, clarity, courage, motivation, self-confidence and ideas to meet goals of many kinds. Coaches listen objectively to clients’ concerns and desires, ask powerful questions, hold clients accountable to the actions they commit to, and celebrate their forward movement.

There are as many coaching styles as there are coaches. My own approach encompasses the research-based practices of Positive Psychology for more fulfilling and empowered living, the techniques of The Artist’s Way for more authentic and creative living, and my training as a Kripalu yoga teacher for more spiritual and holistic living.

During our sessions, I invite clients to set the goals and agendas, and I pull from my appropriate tool kits as needed. I send follow-up notes with reflections, further resources and co-created action steps. I cheer when I receive enthusiastic updates from clients, and extend compassion when they share their struggles.

I have great affection for my clients, and I’m always rooting for them.

What does the process feel and look like on the client’s end? I asked my own clients to chime in and they said things like:

–“Coaching offered non-judgmental acceptance, mirroring to help me see myself, great listening, and quality questions that helped me dig deeper into what I thought I knew. I left with my head held high and with more energy and aliveness.”

–“Coaching helps me bring my game to the next level through the presence of a witness to my process and help in challenging my negative assumptions.”

–“I knocked off projects that had been hanging over my head for years.”

–“My mind is constantly going and over-analyzing, so I needed someone who was structured and looking out for me. Coaching helps me focus on a specific thing, even when I have many ideas, and that helps me move forward.”

–“I went in hoping for career guidance and never expected to learn so much about myself or develop so many valuable interpersonal skills.”

–“Career coaching is a great way to jump-start a career change. The coach probes your ideas, provides feedback, and helps you define ‘homework’ to speed the process. You get more organized and begin flying over the obstacles in your path.”

–“I’ve gained clarity of how I want to live in this world…I feel less owned by my commitments…and more capable of setting and keeping boundaries.”

–“Coaching helped me identify the things that light me up, verbalize how to make them part of my professional life, and develop a plan to make that happen. It can be hard to do all that alone and without a ‘thought partner’ who helps you explore things you might otherwise dismiss.”

–“Coaching gives a broader, bigger picture than therapy. It allowed me to explore who I am, take that broader picture, shift my perceptions, and open up to further discovery. Therapy gets to some of the deepest emotions, and it’s important to acknowledge that coaching and therapy are related.”

Having benefited from both therapy and coaching in my own life, I sometimes refer clients to therapists if that feels like a precursor, or complement, to our work. A wise colleague of mine writes this about the difference between the two: “A therapist looks into your past to help you understand the present. A coach works in the present to help you to create the future. Therapists delve deeply into emotions. A coach recognizes the importance of emotions but does not focus on them.”

A mentor of mine posits that coaches fill the wisdom gaps in this modern society of isolation and virtual connectivity, in which people may not have the same access to elders and role models in such places as religious communities, extended family living situations and other institutions.

Compared to counselors and mentors who are paid for their advice, however, coaches refrain from giving it. While we may suggest tailored resources, in coaching we assume that our clients are wise, resourceful and creative enough to identify their own answers and action steps through our work together. As a client of mine remarked, “You are the only person I know who doesn’t have an agenda for me and is completely on my side to help me identify and pursue what’s right for me.”

Nonetheless, I do help my clients to brainstorm, strategize, and stretch their comfort zones, based on their stated goals. In this way, I can feel a bit like an athletic coach. One client made me laugh recently when she said, “You’re my personal trainer of mental exercises!”

We all need support for the game of life, and coaches are often wonderful companions and guides on the journey.

Kim Childs is a Certified Life and Career Coach specializing in Positive Psychology, creativity and spiritual development. Click here to learn more and schedule a free initial consultation in person or via phone or Skype.